we live under your covers
by fluorescent lights
Summary: What if you stayed this time?


Title: we live under your covers

Summary: What if you stayed this time?

Author's Note: I love this pairing. RobbieJade forevaah, okai. I borrowed the summary from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind because I love that movie. And also, this story is supposed to be disjointed. I'm playing around with this couple because I've always written cut up stories for them instead of one fluid piece, and this is experimental, so pweeease, criticism would be awesomee. And also, totally tell me how you interpreted it. I wanna hear people's opinions! ^_^ It makes me a better writer, and then I can supply y'all with better stories. If you like this, I'd totally love to write more for this story. I love this pairing. I need to write more of them.

/

They never touch. She wouldn't let it happen and the guilt would be too much for him. They sit across from each other and say things they'd never let anyone know they say; her for the sake of her humility and him for his life.

She would never tell anyone that she tells him secret things – things that hide underneath her bed and torment her. She wouldn't let him live if he told anyone. He doesn't bring Rex with him when they meet, and slowly, he starts to realize that Rex is barely taken out. She blurts out that she thinks he's better without Rex, even though she's Jade and she isn't supposed to notice these things, and he nods because sometimes, things that aren't supposed to happen, do.

She tells him about her poppy. She even says poppy too, even though she would never admit that, and he loves the way her eyes light up with grief and joy whenever she says it. Such a simple word – _poppy_, and Jade becomes a whole new person. This is the person he loves, although he aches because he wishes he only saw the cruel, biting side of her, because maybe then he could find someone who could really love him – someone who wouldn't be ashamed of him. He wishes she could love him like she loves her grandfather – an undying love that surpasses death. She talks about him with such love and tenderness, even though he is gone. Robbie wishes she could love him, but he doesn't know if she can. Not in the real way. Not like she loves her grandfather, not like she loved Beck.

There could never be anyone but her for him and he knows every one of her smiles – all secret and maybe they're all for him, but he could be deceiving himself. He tends to lose track between reality and fantasy when it comes to her. He tells her this once, when they're so close and he just wants to kiss her so badly. And he's never wanted anything else more than her (he tells her this too). and she gets so close and there's barely any space between them and they just stay like that for five minutes, just staring and never pulling through. He gets up to get her water and he turns back before he opens the door of the living room and she's just looking at him like he's something she's never encountered. In a good way, and not the sinister, mocking look she gives him in public, usually accompanied by a cruel remark about his lack of social skills.

But he knows that even though she treats him like dirt in public, _she cares_. She even says it one day, her voice and head low. _I don't mean to be mean._ And their toes have a millimeter of space that could be closed with even a flinch of one of their legs, and he can feel the warmth of her radiating and so badly, he wants to touch her. He looks at her and he quirks a corner of his mouth, because she says she likes it when he does that. She laughs at him then, but not meanly and he says that he likes her too much before he can stop his mouth from doing it. He knows this is too much for today, because he likes to take it slow and she had just been talking about her dad and her eyes are sadder than usual. But instead of yelling, she moves her leg and their toes touch, and he's never felt more happiness in his entire life than now, in this room with Jade and her sad eyes and her laugh echoing off the walls.

But she can never commit, and she says _I can't love you _now. But she's saying it real soft under her breath, and he can hear the tone in her voice that says that she wishes it to be the exact opposite. She doesn't know how well he knows her, and maybe she would run away if she knew how much. And he wants to know so much more, like the feel of her lips on his and even the innocent touch of her hand holding his. He wants to memorize every angle and contour of her body with his fingers, with his tongue, even with his toes. The part that he hates is that even if he did know her body like it was his own, he would never be able to express it to anyone. He doesn't mind that he can't tell them the specifics, but he minds that no one would be able to know that she allowed him to love her. He wants people to understand that she is his only love, and if anything, she owns him.

Once in a while, she'll fall asleep on his couch and he'll sit and write songs about how her hair falls and the way he wants her love. And he notices that he doodles her name in the margins and she'll wake up with her hair sticking up in the back and she'll see them there. She smiles sleepily at first and then as she wakes up, she smiles in that sad way she does when she remembers who they are and what her name is and what his name is. And he'll close his book and the next day in public, she'll make a remark about his journal and he gives her this tired look that says so many things and she says _I know _with her eyes. He never likes to bring up the times when he and her are in public, because it just brings him sorrow, and he loves her with his whole being so goddamn it, why can't he just be cooler or better or worth it, damn it.

Beck doesn't look at her anymore, and Robbie thinks Beck's stupid for giving up the only thing that Robbie has ever wanted. Jade talks about it sometimes, about the maps that Beck left on her skin and the fact that they used to just spend ages talking about nothing and kissing in the back of his car. She always stops halfway, because she sees how it's killing Robbie and she has a heart, even if people question that. In the beginning, he thought it was to make sure that there was no blood on her hands – that she wouldn't really be killing him, but now he realizes she doesn't even mean to say these things. Her mouth sometimes opens and blurts them out because she couldn't do it before. Part of him craves to hear her speak of love to know that she could feel it too and it was the exact way he felt about her. The other part wants to hear it so he can feel the pain under his fingernails. He can breathe the pain. Pain tastes like rust and sometimes, he can taste the lemon chapstick she puts on her lips at the back of his throat, even though he hasn't felt her lips on his.

And then things start to change. A girl asks him out in the middle of lunch one day. He's barely noticed he's changed. He's been eating more and he goes on bike rides with Jade sometimes, at nighttime when no one can see, and his muscles have been tightening. He's still skinny, but he doesn't carry Rex around and without him, his posture has straightened. He appears to be more confident, even if Jade's sort of, confusing like or lust or love has left him stranded. Jade's sitting with him, of course, they're not alone, because that would be suspicious, and he hadn't even noticed the girl tapping his shoulder until she spoke into his ear. She's everything that he should like; slender and blonde, with clear skin and slightly pink cheeks. And yet, he can't help but realize she's everything but. When he says no, Jade gives him this look that shows so much anger and so much happiness and then confusion. Later that day, the girl finds her car is keyed. No one knows who's done it, and that night, when Jade and Robbie are just sitting with each other, she kisses him out of nowhere.

"I'm happiest when I'm with you," she says. "And I've just noticed it."

He laughs when she kisses him again, and his fingers curl in hers. He thinks they have all the time in the world, and maybe they do, because her body is relaxed against his, fitting against his body like two puzzle pieces that don't appear to be perfectly matched, but are. Her eyes are warm when he pulls away, and he just looks at her and realizes that maybe, she's a little bit in love with him too, because she's got that look of love and happiness in her eyes that she gets when she talks about his grandfather. And then she smirks at him and says, "I've loved you for a while, you idiot."

He kisses her hard and long, his fingers brushing against her sides and her face and her hair, and she's smiling one of her many secret smiles, and he has never felt the happiness he feels now. He knows this will be a forever. She curls her toes with his, and her breath is labored, and when he whispers, _stay with me,_ she stays.

And he doesn't think about what tomorrow will hold, or if things will be perfect – because right now, with her lips against his and their bodies fastened together, he thinks that perfect is right here, with her.


End file.
